March 27, 2020
I didn't feel like writing yesterday and because I haven't been sleeping well I didn't feel like doing much of anything. However, I did dive head first into the Netflix docs-series "Tiger King". Buckle up folks, because that right there is a dumpster fire of a show. In a good way, though. Car crash might be a better way to describe it because I couldn't look away even though it was horrible. Picture a gun toting, homosexual man from Oklahoma, who does meth and owns a fuck ton of tigers and other large cats. The man is a different breed of American, Im telling you. Im holding onto my sanity about as much as Joe Exotic's eyebrow ring at this point. You know, you are aware people like him exist, but until you see the video evidence you really don't grasp it. Not only is he all of those wonderful things, he is also a country singer and I have had his song " I Saw Tiger" stuck in my head all day. Its not that he has a bad voice but whoever directed and edited his music videos needs to be put in solitary confinement. The person who said his lyrics were good also needs some psychiatric help. Either way, it made me feel like I had my shit together WAY more than I thought I did. 10/10 recommend that show.
John picked me up to go and grab our grocery orders at GFS and then he also took me to get more vodka. I don't drink much during the work week, but seeing as how I am currently not working Im going to pretend its the weekend for the next few weeks. I practically broke my shin on a cart at the store after we loaded the car though. There was a car trying to come park and I had to get the cart over the curb in a quick fashion because my anxiety brain told me "God you're taking too long and they are waiting for you". So I jabbed my shin into the cart and the handles went in right below my rib cage. Smooth move, I know. Then the car didn't even park where I thought I was in the way, and that right there sums up my life. I always think Im in the way or taking up too much space, when in all reality nobody actually gives a shit.
Went to say hi to Anne after we finished shopping so I could socialize a little. We had a drink and I let her read my other blog posts ( Hi!!!). I was telling them about how future me is probably going to be upset with some of my life choices during this quarantine, but I won't get into specifics. John typed a contract up for me and I had to sign it basically apologizing to myself for the choices I make while Im going insane being alone. It made me laugh though and hanging out with the two of them made me feel better. Came home and has to rearrange my fridge and freezer because I went a little overboard with food. Not like crazy Karen hoarder overboard, but too much for one person. I haven't been eating as much as I normally would which is fantastic, but its comforting to have it here incase I can't go for awhile. Thank god I already buy toilet paper in bulk.
My evening forecast is looking like there is an 80% chance of vodka and a possibility for some drunken singing. My sister just messaged me the concert her and my mama were supposed to fly out for has been postponed so I guess my drinking will continue earlier than I was expecting. On that note, Im going to check out for the evening.
May 28, 2020
My evening was in fact filled with vodka, folks. I was sent a "See a shot, send a shot" video and it all just went downhill from there. I was planning to go to bed earlier than 2 am but that didn't occur. We had a mild thunderstorm so I sat up for awhile and watched the lightning. Something about a thunderstorm makes me think of spring and summer. Which hopefully means better days are ahead. Woke up and literally walked around my apartment in laps so I could get some steps in. Wow, I have never sounded more like my mother than I did in that last sentence. Then I showered, and took my laundry to the basement where I was greeted by the biggest spider I have ever seen without glass in-between myself and said creature. Cute. I am pretty sure I screamed "Oh hell na", and turned around because I was barefoot. Walked my happy ass upstairs and put on my big shit-kickin rain boots and went back down to take care of that problem. You see, having been bitten by a spider before and never finding the spider after the fact I have a little PTSD. I am not trying to have another gaping wound while I am staying safely in my house. No ma'am, not today.
May 29, 2020
My anxiety hit me hard, along with a hint of depression yesterday. I got through it but it def hit me hard and fast. The thing is we are all in this together, yes, however there are different categories that we are all in. Some are with their families, spouses, kids, etc. Then there are those of us who are alone. I cannot tell you how many times in the last week I have looked around the room searching for someone to hug me. There is, hasn't been, usually isn't anyone in this apartment other than myself. It is such an odd feeling, looking for someone who isn't there. Life is hard out here for someone who really thrives from a good hug.
I ordered chipotle because I really didn't feel like cooking but also wanted to treat myself in some way like I used to pre-corona. I left instructions for the woman to leave it at the front of the salon door because my actual door faces the alley so, its just easier to do it that way. She was the sweetest thing, she left it, called me and sat outside till I got it to make sure nobody stole it since I live on a busy street. Im not sure why but somehow the kindness she showed made my heart feel warm after having such a rough few days.
Then, at about 7:30/8:00 Anne messaged me asking about the unemployment, and I immediately went into a panic because I had forgotten to file my first claim or whatever. I thought it was Saturday. SATURDAY. My days are so screwed up. So, then I went into a tizzy trying to hurry and get it done. Running around my apartment like a chicken with its head cut off because I knew I had set the letter in one of two places but for some reason I couldn't distinguish any of the letters/papers I was picking up. Something I have discovered when I am having an anxiety attack is that I cannot read. My brain cannot focus on the words. I have had this happen to me previously at work when I'm checking a client out and everything goes blank. Thankfully, I was able to finish it and then I just broke down. Crying as if I hadn't in years, just completely let it go. It felt good after the fact but my god I hate when it sneaks up on me like that. This has been a super boring post because I just really haven't felt like myself but Im going to publish it anyways.
Ok, Bye, Love You!
I didn't feel like writing yesterday and because I haven't been sleeping well I didn't feel like doing much of anything. However, I did dive head first into the Netflix docs-series "Tiger King". Buckle up folks, because that right there is a dumpster fire of a show. In a good way, though. Car crash might be a better way to describe it because I couldn't look away even though it was horrible. Picture a gun toting, homosexual man from Oklahoma, who does meth and owns a fuck ton of tigers and other large cats. The man is a different breed of American, Im telling you. Im holding onto my sanity about as much as Joe Exotic's eyebrow ring at this point. You know, you are aware people like him exist, but until you see the video evidence you really don't grasp it. Not only is he all of those wonderful things, he is also a country singer and I have had his song " I Saw Tiger" stuck in my head all day. Its not that he has a bad voice but whoever directed and edited his music videos needs to be put in solitary confinement. The person who said his lyrics were good also needs some psychiatric help. Either way, it made me feel like I had my shit together WAY more than I thought I did. 10/10 recommend that show.
John picked me up to go and grab our grocery orders at GFS and then he also took me to get more vodka. I don't drink much during the work week, but seeing as how I am currently not working Im going to pretend its the weekend for the next few weeks. I practically broke my shin on a cart at the store after we loaded the car though. There was a car trying to come park and I had to get the cart over the curb in a quick fashion because my anxiety brain told me "God you're taking too long and they are waiting for you". So I jabbed my shin into the cart and the handles went in right below my rib cage. Smooth move, I know. Then the car didn't even park where I thought I was in the way, and that right there sums up my life. I always think Im in the way or taking up too much space, when in all reality nobody actually gives a shit.
Went to say hi to Anne after we finished shopping so I could socialize a little. We had a drink and I let her read my other blog posts ( Hi!!!). I was telling them about how future me is probably going to be upset with some of my life choices during this quarantine, but I won't get into specifics. John typed a contract up for me and I had to sign it basically apologizing to myself for the choices I make while Im going insane being alone. It made me laugh though and hanging out with the two of them made me feel better. Came home and has to rearrange my fridge and freezer because I went a little overboard with food. Not like crazy Karen hoarder overboard, but too much for one person. I haven't been eating as much as I normally would which is fantastic, but its comforting to have it here incase I can't go for awhile. Thank god I already buy toilet paper in bulk.
My evening forecast is looking like there is an 80% chance of vodka and a possibility for some drunken singing. My sister just messaged me the concert her and my mama were supposed to fly out for has been postponed so I guess my drinking will continue earlier than I was expecting. On that note, Im going to check out for the evening.
May 28, 2020
My evening was in fact filled with vodka, folks. I was sent a "See a shot, send a shot" video and it all just went downhill from there. I was planning to go to bed earlier than 2 am but that didn't occur. We had a mild thunderstorm so I sat up for awhile and watched the lightning. Something about a thunderstorm makes me think of spring and summer. Which hopefully means better days are ahead. Woke up and literally walked around my apartment in laps so I could get some steps in. Wow, I have never sounded more like my mother than I did in that last sentence. Then I showered, and took my laundry to the basement where I was greeted by the biggest spider I have ever seen without glass in-between myself and said creature. Cute. I am pretty sure I screamed "Oh hell na", and turned around because I was barefoot. Walked my happy ass upstairs and put on my big shit-kickin rain boots and went back down to take care of that problem. You see, having been bitten by a spider before and never finding the spider after the fact I have a little PTSD. I am not trying to have another gaping wound while I am staying safely in my house. No ma'am, not today.
May 29, 2020
My anxiety hit me hard, along with a hint of depression yesterday. I got through it but it def hit me hard and fast. The thing is we are all in this together, yes, however there are different categories that we are all in. Some are with their families, spouses, kids, etc. Then there are those of us who are alone. I cannot tell you how many times in the last week I have looked around the room searching for someone to hug me. There is, hasn't been, usually isn't anyone in this apartment other than myself. It is such an odd feeling, looking for someone who isn't there. Life is hard out here for someone who really thrives from a good hug.
I ordered chipotle because I really didn't feel like cooking but also wanted to treat myself in some way like I used to pre-corona. I left instructions for the woman to leave it at the front of the salon door because my actual door faces the alley so, its just easier to do it that way. She was the sweetest thing, she left it, called me and sat outside till I got it to make sure nobody stole it since I live on a busy street. Im not sure why but somehow the kindness she showed made my heart feel warm after having such a rough few days.
Then, at about 7:30/8:00 Anne messaged me asking about the unemployment, and I immediately went into a panic because I had forgotten to file my first claim or whatever. I thought it was Saturday. SATURDAY. My days are so screwed up. So, then I went into a tizzy trying to hurry and get it done. Running around my apartment like a chicken with its head cut off because I knew I had set the letter in one of two places but for some reason I couldn't distinguish any of the letters/papers I was picking up. Something I have discovered when I am having an anxiety attack is that I cannot read. My brain cannot focus on the words. I have had this happen to me previously at work when I'm checking a client out and everything goes blank. Thankfully, I was able to finish it and then I just broke down. Crying as if I hadn't in years, just completely let it go. It felt good after the fact but my god I hate when it sneaks up on me like that. This has been a super boring post because I just really haven't felt like myself but Im going to publish it anyways.
Ok, Bye, Love You!
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