April 3rd/4th 2020
I didn't write yesterday, hence why this entry is kind of combined. Yesterday wasn't even a bad day, I got up and got ready for my group FaceTime/zoom call with some friends. Hey, any excuse to put makeup on. Honestly, nothing stands out from yesterday for me. Today has been really hard. Really fucking hard. I am struggling with being alone. Whats the big fucking deal all of the sudden? Im alone all the time. I like being home and being alone but for some reason I am so incredibly lonely it is really getting to me. So many of my friends are struggling with anxiety now and coming to me for it, and its fine because I want to be there for them. However, I am feeling so overwhelmed. I can't fix things for anyone and I always want to fix things for people. Hell, I can't even fix how Im feeling, so its like this overload of trying to make sure everyone is ok and validating their feelings. Because anxiety is no fucking joke and everyone deserves to be validated with how they are feeling. We are all in uncharted territory after all. Everything feels like too much. It reminds me a lot of how I felt at the end of my long term relationship. When I was crying on my parents bathroom floor just begging someone to take me out of my misery. Like there is literally nothing I can do to fix the world right now so we can all go back to normal. Everything feels hard or like its working against me somehow. I don't get direct sunlight on my balcony and I'm afraid to go on walks by myself down by the lake, which is what I really want to do. Im not ok. I know this will all be over with someday, I get why we have to do what we are doing and I am all for it. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am losing my mind and reminded every second of every day how alone I am.
On top of all of that, my great aunt passed away. Which, to some might seem silly because she was a great aunt. I lived with this great aunt for a short period of time when I was in a really low spot. My first real relationship had ended due to cheating. Luckily, I found out right before I was supposed to move to West Virginia to be with her. Days after I found out she was cheating, my grandma died. This was my mom's mom, and my great aunt's sister. So, overall was just not a great time for me. She welcomed me into her home and I will forever be thankful for that time with her. The last few days just kind of feel like a blur to be honest. Im going to go to bed early, I just need to sleep this all off.
April 5th, 2020
I didn't end up going to bed as early as I wanted to but I still slept a decent 8 hours. Woke up and took a bath, and immediately started a new dot mandala painting. Theres only been one mishap so far, so I'll take that as a win. I think tomorrow Im going to go drive down by the lake for a change of scenery.
Let me tell you, if I have one more fucking person text me that they are here for me even though I know there ulterior motives, Im going to snap. Now, don't get me wrong I know a few of them are genuinely there for me but the rest of them are just bored and want someone to fill their time. What a fucking sham. I see right through people like that and honestly if someone does it to me again in the next few days they might get a piece of my mind. I have anxiety and depression, we have established that pretty heavily on my blog, right? Right, ok so sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious the literal last thing I want to do is talk to anyone, even my family. So, when someone can't take a hint and just keep pushing me to talk, it makes me about .5 seconds away from turning into a velociraptor where I will bite their head off. It shocks me how some people are not self aware AT ALL.
I made bacon grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner and my god was it delicious. For some reason thats such a comfort food meal for me. *chef's kiss* Anyhow, this entry seems mostly like Im ranting and complaining which I should probably use my therapist for.
Ok, Bye, Love You!
I didn't write yesterday, hence why this entry is kind of combined. Yesterday wasn't even a bad day, I got up and got ready for my group FaceTime/zoom call with some friends. Hey, any excuse to put makeup on. Honestly, nothing stands out from yesterday for me. Today has been really hard. Really fucking hard. I am struggling with being alone. Whats the big fucking deal all of the sudden? Im alone all the time. I like being home and being alone but for some reason I am so incredibly lonely it is really getting to me. So many of my friends are struggling with anxiety now and coming to me for it, and its fine because I want to be there for them. However, I am feeling so overwhelmed. I can't fix things for anyone and I always want to fix things for people. Hell, I can't even fix how Im feeling, so its like this overload of trying to make sure everyone is ok and validating their feelings. Because anxiety is no fucking joke and everyone deserves to be validated with how they are feeling. We are all in uncharted territory after all. Everything feels like too much. It reminds me a lot of how I felt at the end of my long term relationship. When I was crying on my parents bathroom floor just begging someone to take me out of my misery. Like there is literally nothing I can do to fix the world right now so we can all go back to normal. Everything feels hard or like its working against me somehow. I don't get direct sunlight on my balcony and I'm afraid to go on walks by myself down by the lake, which is what I really want to do. Im not ok. I know this will all be over with someday, I get why we have to do what we are doing and I am all for it. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am losing my mind and reminded every second of every day how alone I am.
On top of all of that, my great aunt passed away. Which, to some might seem silly because she was a great aunt. I lived with this great aunt for a short period of time when I was in a really low spot. My first real relationship had ended due to cheating. Luckily, I found out right before I was supposed to move to West Virginia to be with her. Days after I found out she was cheating, my grandma died. This was my mom's mom, and my great aunt's sister. So, overall was just not a great time for me. She welcomed me into her home and I will forever be thankful for that time with her. The last few days just kind of feel like a blur to be honest. Im going to go to bed early, I just need to sleep this all off.
April 5th, 2020
I didn't end up going to bed as early as I wanted to but I still slept a decent 8 hours. Woke up and took a bath, and immediately started a new dot mandala painting. Theres only been one mishap so far, so I'll take that as a win. I think tomorrow Im going to go drive down by the lake for a change of scenery.
Let me tell you, if I have one more fucking person text me that they are here for me even though I know there ulterior motives, Im going to snap. Now, don't get me wrong I know a few of them are genuinely there for me but the rest of them are just bored and want someone to fill their time. What a fucking sham. I see right through people like that and honestly if someone does it to me again in the next few days they might get a piece of my mind. I have anxiety and depression, we have established that pretty heavily on my blog, right? Right, ok so sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious the literal last thing I want to do is talk to anyone, even my family. So, when someone can't take a hint and just keep pushing me to talk, it makes me about .5 seconds away from turning into a velociraptor where I will bite their head off. It shocks me how some people are not self aware AT ALL.
I made bacon grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner and my god was it delicious. For some reason thats such a comfort food meal for me. *chef's kiss* Anyhow, this entry seems mostly like Im ranting and complaining which I should probably use my therapist for.
Ok, Bye, Love You!
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